Give Me Peace by Christina Knowles

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The world is falling apart around me, but all I see is her

She doesn’t see me

Her mind is showing her different things

Her eyes are dim and fogged

Over with images she doesn’t want to see

The pain she feels is real

Real is the fear I feel

Looking into her eyes full of visions

Induced by a dying body

Misfiring synapses, remnants of past sights

A simulacrum of visual forms

Meaningless electricity

The pain in my heart sears

Wanting to hang on to her

And wanting to let her go,

Wanting the pain to end

She doesn’t deserve to suffer like this

And I don’t deserve to sit here

Screaming silently

Listening to the delusions of those gathered around

Their talk of visions of angels and going to meet those

Who’ve gone on before

Yes, she sees angels

She also sees angry eyes

And attackers tearing at her clothing

Is that from God too?

You stupid, gullible people

Let me grieve in peace

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Signs of Life, A Memoir in Poems

I have always wanted to write my memoirs, the story of how I got from there to here. Perhaps, I just need to explain it to myself or to those I love. Perhaps, I need to leave a legacy for those who knew me after I’m gone. At any rate, I find that whenever I try to express my deepest feelings and my most profound experiences, I do it through poetry, so here it is, my memoir in poems.

This collection of eighty-one poems is a series of reflections of moments throughout a life lived. Some are joyful, some tragic, but all are heartfelt and real.

“Christina Knowles is a poet who is not afraid of delving into the inner world of symbolism, emotion, and dream imagery. Signs of Life is a revealing journey into the soul, a look at the inner self to which we can all relate.”

Available in paperback and Kindle Edition on Amazon.com

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“Bohemian Atheist” by Christina Knowles

“Bohemian Atheist”

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I’ve got my bellbottoms and tarot cards,

but I don’t presuppose the divine;

dismissing science disregards

progress and favors magical design.

And though I prefer flowers over towers,

I draw the line at prayer.

Inaction really sours

compared to deeds anywhere.

Still I enjoy a touch of Zen,

a little yoga under a leafy tree.

After all, there’s a clear correlation,

de-stress and meditation;

it requires no special plea.

As for enjoying the vegetation,

a nature devotee,

the data’s the confirmation

that this is a worthy state of mind.

I respect the earth,

to conservation I’m inclined;

preservation for future generation’s birth,

and with all beings I’m entwined.

My survival’s not unilateral,

as history substantiates,

nor dependent on the supernatural.

It’s cooperation that necessitates.

And while I love the earth, I won’t worship it.

I’d rather depend on rationalism.

I’m multifarious but not a hypocrite

even though my Buddha puts me in a peaceful state.

It’s simply symbolism,

no higher self to elucidate.

Just this hippie chick

chillin’ in my Existentialism,

no supernatural trick

Crystals and full moons—

I don’t dismiss them out of hand,

I won’t necessarily impugn

These things we don’t yet understand

I’m open to the evidence,

but I won’t believe just any tale.

There may be power in the elements,

but the scientific method I’ll avail.

And I’ll work for my fellow human,

fight injustice, and help the poor—

the humanistic acumen,

kindness the allure

because I’m an evolved member

of my hominid species.

My greed, I temper

with a social treaty

and a bit of liberalism,

rather than a divine delusion,

a healthy dose of skepticism.

I see through the illusion,

so while I may participate in protest

the notion’s not the craziest.

My behavior manifests

in an anomaly, a Bohemian atheist.

—Christina Knowles

Bongos

Alone, I Thrive by Christina Knowles

I wrote this poem in 2009 during a time of struggling to believe in the unbelievable, trying to make sense of a cruel or absent god with no evidence to support that this god existed at all, and finally coming to the realization that God was not cruel; he just did not exist. This was not the beginning of my struggle, nor was it the end, but looking back on this time, I realize that facing the reality that God probably does not exist, I, indeed, am thriving. I say “probably” because I cannot know he does not exist, but I have no reason to believe he does, and living my life based on my best assessment of reality has freed me to blossom and grow with the confidence that I won’t drown when the waves of trouble crash against me; I can swim.

Ocean Storm

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“Alone, I Thrive”

Once again I’m drowning

With You nowhere to be seen

Can’t You see I’m floundering

In the open sea?

 

In my doubt I’m sinking,

Not knowing if You’ll come.

I just can’t help but thinking

More faith would help me some.

 

Could it be Your purpose

To let me drown again?

I think You are not merciless;

There must be a higher end.

 

I reach out to You, Oh Lord,

Grasping at Your hand.

I can see the distant shore,

The fabled Promised Land.

 

I feel Your hand is slipping

There’s nothing I can do.

I feel my heart is ripping,

But Your plan was all You knew.

 

Gazing at the inky sky,

I see the moonlight shine.

I tell myself I shouldn’t cry

For Your will be done, not mine.

 

I tell myself, someday, You will let me see

The purpose in Your plan,

And I’ll understand why You let me

Sink, slipping from Your hand.

 

I’ll understand Your absence

In time I’ll comprehend

Why You don’t come to my defense

No doubt your reason will transcend

 

The silence from You is deafening

Abandoned once again

My hope in You is lessening

My withdrawal from You begins

 

I don’t blame You for Your failure to assist

Me, You are unable to respond

You simply don’t exist

I should have known it all along

But the idea— impossible to resist.

 

So alone in the water, I struggle to survive

Rising to the surface, surging

Forward, I arrive

To the shore emerging

In tact, alone, I thrive

—Christina Knowles (2009)

All the Heaven and Hell by Christina Knowles

“All the Heaven and Hell”

Lightly falling snowflakesFlowers in Hair

The loving eyes of my old dog

The smile of a baby

Red and gold leaves scattered on the ground

Glistening wet petals in the morning sun

This is all the heaven I will ever know

Holding the hand of my mother as she leaves me

Burning tears of loss, the indescribable pain in my chest

Holding my best friend as she takes her last breath

Angry words from a trusted mouth

Grave news from a doctor’s chart

This is all the hell I will ever know

The soft glow of a crackling fire

Holding hands with the best man I’ve ever known

The swell of love his gaze makes me feel

The time spent with my closest friends

Laughing until my stomach hurts

This is all the heaven I will ever know

The anxiety of deadlines

The crushing weight of responsibilities

Debts to pay and artificial worries

The helplessness of age

The loneliness of loss

This is all the hell I will ever know

Pain and depression

Joy and the sweetness of love

Anger and frustration

Comfort and peace

Gratitude for all of this life

This is all the heaven and hell I will ever know—Christina Knowles (2015)

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