Alone, I Thrive by Christina Knowles

I wrote this poem in 2009 during a time of struggling to believe in the unbelievable, trying to make sense of a cruel or absent god with no evidence to support that this god existed at all, and finally coming to the realization that God was not cruel; he just did not exist. This was not the beginning of my struggle, nor was it the end, but looking back on this time, I realize that facing the reality that God probably does not exist, I, indeed, am thriving. I say “probably” because I cannot know he does not exist, but I have no reason to believe he does, and living my life based on my best assessment of reality has freed me to blossom and grow with the confidence that I won’t drown when the waves of trouble crash against me; I can swim.

Ocean Storm

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“Alone, I Thrive”

Once again I’m drowning

With You nowhere to be seen

Can’t You see I’m floundering

In the open sea?

 

In my doubt I’m sinking,

Not knowing if You’ll come.

I just can’t help but thinking

More faith would help me some.

 

Could it be Your purpose

To let me drown again?

I think You are not merciless;

There must be a higher end.

 

I reach out to You, Oh Lord,

Grasping at Your hand.

I can see the distant shore,

The fabled Promised Land.

 

I feel Your hand is slipping

There’s nothing I can do.

I feel my heart is ripping,

But Your plan was all You knew.

 

Gazing at the inky sky,

I see the moonlight shine.

I tell myself I shouldn’t cry

For Your will be done, not mine.

 

I tell myself, someday, You will let me see

The purpose in Your plan,

And I’ll understand why You let me

Sink, slipping from Your hand.

 

I’ll understand Your absence

In time I’ll comprehend

Why You don’t come to my defense

No doubt your reason will transcend

 

The silence from You is deafening

Abandoned once again

My hope in You is lessening

My withdrawal from You begins

 

I don’t blame You for Your failure to assist

Me, You are unable to respond

You simply don’t exist

I should have known it all along

But the idea— impossible to resist.

 

So alone in the water, I struggle to survive

Rising to the surface, surging

Forward, I arrive

To the shore emerging

In tact, alone, I thrive

—Christina Knowles (2009)

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